Changing Enabling Behaviors
Enabling allows the disease of addiction to progress until we take responsibility for ourselves. We must set healthy limits and boundaries for ourselves to know what is safe for us in our relationship with this addict in our life. Otherwise, the disease is in charge.
It's not our loved one that we are fighting with or blaming or criticizing…it's the disease. We can love our addicted loved one, but we can hate the disease. Until we can separate the two, we will struggle with our enabling behavior and live with our co-dependency.
Some Important Myths and Misconceptions
Myth:
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I can keep my loved one from drinking or drugging…
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Reality:
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Your loved one is sick. He or she has a disease. You're sick, too. It's called CO-DEPENDENCY. You're part of a denial system but you just don't know it. You're in no position to "cure" your loved one.
Everything you're supposed to do doesn't work — you encourage, support, get tough, plead, submit, reason, threaten — it all backfires. You can only control yourself. You can't control your loved one's addiction.
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Myth:
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Something must be wrong with me if I can't get him/her to stop. Maybe I'm not as interesting, attractive, or successful as I should be…
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Reality:
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Family members pass judgment on themselves for their "failure." They think loved ones are a reflection of themselves and get locked into a denial system — Harry had a bad day at work, that's why he drinks…then a bad week, month, year. It's not the family's fault…it's not anyone's fault. It's a disease.
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Myth:
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We can play good cop/bad cop…
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Reality:
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Mom plays the softie ("please stop"), Dad offers “tough love” ("2 choices: stop or get out of here"). The addicted person plays the rest of family and relationships disintegrate. Mom and dad argue. Sister doesn't want to rat but also doesn't want brother to die, so she makes excuses — denial. Family members can't cure the problem.
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Myth:
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We can live our own lives…
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Reality:
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Addiction is a family disease. Every member of the family is impacted by addiction. Can't go out with friends because of what spouse may do if drunk or high. Will he or she come home in time, wake up in time, remember, embarrass me? Decisions revolve around the addicted family member.
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Myth: |
If the family member gets treatment, everything will be different. |
Reality: |
- Tendency to ascribe everything to the drinking/drugging.
- Lousy lover — because he's an alcoholic
- Lousy father — because he's an alcoholic
- Won't do anything around the house — because he's an alcoholic
- Total couch potato — because he's an alcoholic
Then he gets well and he's still a lousy lover, a lousy father, he won't do anything around the house and he sits in front of the TV all day. Treatment can't make a fundamentally unlikeable person into a saint or a bad marriage into heaven on earth. It's important to assess the strength of the family's foundation.
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Myth:
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I can tough this out myself…
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Reality:
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Stop being the caretaker. You can't cure him/her. You wouldn't diagnose or treat yourself for cancer, heart disease, diabetes or lung disease. This is a job for experts. You're sick, too. Co-dependency can rip you apart. Failure to seek treatment inevitably means the end of the relationship.
The addicted person and family members need to get treatment individually…get well in parallel…then work on the relationship. The relationship will stand up if there's a foundation. If there's no foundation, the house will crumble.
Get an addicted family member into professional treatment. Get knowledgeable about this disease. Be around people who know what you're feeling…and stay engaged in treatment. It's your best and only choice to bring normalcy back to your family.
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The addicted person and family members need to get treatment individually…get well in parallel…then work on the relationship. The relationship will stand up if there's a foundation. If there's no foundation, the house will crumble.
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